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Hole Thinking In My Spare Time Or Less
From The Desk Of Drumlin S Boulder

I was browsing ebay for an SX guitar when I saw someone was selling scoops of dirt from their special back yard hole. This eccentric twist on pet rocks caught my eye as does everything about holes. You know its true what they say. You really do have to do things you enjoy doing; and I really do count myself lucky being in the portable hole business, and making better holes portable with the people I do it with. And I am truly fascinated by, and have a passion for anything holes.

Of course I’m not alone in my fascination in and with these half empty and half full enigmas. In fact holes have been around a whole lot longer than ancient Sumeria, and its lasting invention, the wheel...or as later philosophers I ran across would argue, an inverse slice of a not quite but approaching perfectly round hole the Goodrich blimp would be proud of.

Before the wheel, holes go back as far as Earth's formative days and its deep ocean holes. We could even go and ask about those holes. There are many smart people who work at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution. They research how oceans function, and how they interact with Earth’s various climatic and ecological systems, and of course deep ocean holes. And they like to answer questions, at least on the Natural Geographic shows I saw on tv.

In fact holes are so around us we don't even have to find them and dig them out. We can just ask, listen or read some.

For example, activists speak loudly and alarmingly, and seem informed about holes in the Ozone layer, while their opponents punch holes into their arguments and each other.  Astronomers and astrophysicists debate what happens if a black hole tries to go through a worm hole. When they're not studying oceans or stars, well off scientists and their colleagues winter and ski at Jackson Hole, while in summers they golf. Golfers, and especially those who are also scientists, are emotionally and physically and sometimes inextricably entwined in and with holes.

Some misinformed people think all holes are equal, as a hole is a hole is a hole. This was most memorably quoted by Richard Burton explaining to Clint Eastwood that the German bullet holes were actually British in Where Eagles Dare, one of my favourite movies ever for its photography, story, and twists through a world war two showcase of heroic daring courtesy of Burton and  Eastwood.

Portable holes, which can be categorized by the circumference of their opening and their depth relative to origin, are said by some to contravene the normal laws of physics. Others would argue every Portable Hole has its own particular telescoping extension into previously non existing space, might carry equipment through it, and may even be good to hide in sometimes.

If I were talking physics and the realities of circumstance time and place, and the behaviour of animate and inanimate objects, I say holes are abstract and arbitrary since they depend on the required existence and state of some observer, which includes perhaps overly informed scientists arguing  that if a hole's invariant properties, those intrinsic to the geometry and dynamics of holes, satisfy one space time, they must also satisfy, through any transformation, another space time. This, they say is because all observables can be reduced to invariants.

An example makes this a little more clear. Say you go from one Walmart to another. What scientists mean is that in both space times, all observables pertinent to the original Walmart, trip, and the destination Walmart, will be invariants. These include the time elapsed along the journey, the mass and shape of your car and its velocity, and whether the car is accelerating or not at any time in its journey, your age and mass at the start of the trip and your age mass at destination. In both space times, almost all the stuff Walmart sells would still come from China, and since invariants and observables in both space times agree, you'd have the same family and job and car, and you'd still live in the same house. Of course it begs the question, how would you know if you've been transformed, but this question has not deterred theses scientists.

Philosophers, linguists, and others are all busy with the concept of holes.

I've heard argued, for example, that holes do not exist in themselves at all, and that all truths about holes boil down to truths about holed objects. This means the object "is holed" and has "a hole surrounding part that defines the hole shape and volume" and which orients the hole in the whole. There's no "hole" in the object but a "hole in a whole " that exists only as long as someone cares.

I have to think this approach really livens up cocktails at conferences among space time continuum physicists arguing about "invariant holes transformed unchanged through manifold substantivalistic manipulations". After a few drinks these big thinkers consume themselves in their favourite drinking game Moebius Strip.

Some thinkers argue holes are not the immaterial "empty" entities they seem to be. They say holes are material and bound to their both parasitic and symbiotic material hosts, existing only with and in containers. For every hole there is a hole-surround; for every hole-surround there is a hole. Alternatively, one could hold that holes are "negative" parts of their material hosts, like saying the donut hole is the negative part of the donut. Taking this approach, making a hole would be like adding a part, and changing an object to get rid of a hole would mean to remove a part. This of course confuses pre linguists a whole lot about holes.

Yet others see holes as "disturbances" of some sort. From this vantage point, a hole is cousin to a knot in a rope or a wrinkle in a carpet. Leading to string theory which slings me right back to only caring about getting my hands on that elusive SX guitar I was telling you about when we talked about someone using ebay to sell scoops of dirt from their special back yard hole.

Getting back to holes, they can also be taken at their ontological face value. Holes can then be structured and talked about, and any part or conversation about a part may or may not relate to anything defined or undefined. Holes can then be topologically described and sorted by W-hat A-wful L-ousy M-erchandise A-nd R-otten T-hings, but at the lowest possible prices, and Walmart can become Wholemart, and a "whole lot better mart"..

You can see from all this that there’s a lot of thinking and contortioning that has and goes on about holes, and, if you are reading between the lines, you've concluded I'm well informed about them.

Why you might ask?

It's simple really. Because we sell Portable Holes. With so much going on out there about holes, what is it about our portable holes in particular that make them different from other holes, and in particular, the portable holes made by Stacking Pits and Cavities, and options others provide to our customers? Why should someone even be our customer? What's in it for them? 

From an operating point of view, I need to know all I can to make better holes, and our processes more productive. Sometimes I dream and think about such things as "can two holes occupy the same space at the same time?”

The bottom line is, if we are to be good at what we do, it's my business to learn all I can about holes.... so....er...and you have to have seen this coming...we don't end up in a hole...


 
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